Pinoy Jokes:

"Napanaginipan kita kagabi. Nakaupo sa tabi ng ilog, nag-iisa at mukhang mabigat ang loob.
Lalapitan sana kita at yayakapin. Pero bigla kang tumayo...
at naghugas ng puwet."
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"Sa kalagitnaan ng gera:

Pedro: sumuko na kayo! wala rin kayo mapapala.
Terorista: susuko lang kami kung mai-spell mo yung ceasefire?
Pedro: ituloy ang laban! patay kung patay! Padadalhan ko kayo ng crysanthemum sa inyong libing!
Terorista: spell crysanthemum!

Pedro: sabi ko rose, bingi ka ba? Laban kung laban..walang spellingan!"
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"A Woman hurriedly entered into a Church where a ceremony is currently celebrated.
Woman: Stop the wedding!!

The Priest replied: Say it louder please so that anyone can hear you out.
Woman: I said stop the wedding!
Priest: This is not a Wedding, this is a Christening ceremony."
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"During the cremation:
All the relatives stood in silence. Everybody was silent till a child suddenly asked out of curiousity…

’Ma, hindi pa ba luto?"
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"VENDOR: hoy! kahit ganito ako at nagtitinda lang ng palamig, may anak ako sa UP, UE, ATENEO at UST!! 

STUDENT: wow susyal! ano po mga course nila? 
VENDOR: wala! Nagtitinda rin ng PALAMIG... 
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BF: Gusto ko pong maging asawa ang anak nyo.
TATAY ng GF: Bakit, kaya mo bang buhayin ang anak ko?
BF: Bakit po, patay na po ba siya?
GF:
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USAPANG SOSSY
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)

INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!

PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!
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USAPANG MAGNANAY
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
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USAPANG PAA
Patient: Nurse, please bring me a hot water bag, my toes are cold.

Nurse: Sir, you are asking the wrong nurse, I'm the head nurse.

Patient: ok...tell it to the foot nurse. I need it now, thanks.
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DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
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Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis : E ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

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Ma'am: Yaya!!!
Yaya: Ma'am bakit ho?
Ma'am: Nasarado mo na ba ung gate?
Yaya: Opo Ma'am!!
Ma'am: Ehh ung pinto nasara mo na?
Yaya: Opo Ma'am
Ma'am: Ehh ung mga bintana???
Yaya: Opo Ma'am.. Ma'am: Uhmmm... ano pa di nasasara???

 Yaya: ung bunganga nyo nalang po....
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APO: Lola, lola, alam nyo po, naaalala ko po kayo tuwing umuulan:)
LOLA: Ohhh, napaka maalalahanin naman ng apo ko. Bakit naman apo?
APO: Ah eh kasi po, ano… Amoy Lupa. Parang kayo:) Alimuom
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Guard: Bakit ka dumumi dyan?
Pulubi: Hindi Ahh!
Guard: Kita ko nasa dyaryo!
Pulubi: Bilis ah, kadudumi ko lang nasa balita agad.
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Usapang Adik sa Internet:
Pedro: 'Tol Mag iinternet ako! Bubuksan ko account mo sa facebook!
Juan: Alam mo ba password ko kuya?
Pedro: Oo naman, nakita ko! LIMANG ASTERIS! :D
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Teacher: Class, gayahin niyo ang mga langgam. Lagi nagsusumikap, at hindi naglalakwatsa.
Pedro: Mam! kalokohan yan! Nandun kami kanina sa Luneta, nandun din sila!
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Si Pedro nagsusulat sa slum book ..

FAVORITE ACTOR: Arnold Schwachzzene.. (erase)
Arnold Schwazzene.. (erase) 

Arnold Schwartzenne.. (erase) 

Arnold Clavio ... :D
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What is Followed?
FOLLOWED
- Is an act of loading your cellphone if your balance is 0.
Example
- Miss, FOLLOWED nga po ng P10.
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Lapis at ballpen, nag aasaran...
Ballpen: haha….. kawawang lapis lumilit sa kakatasa! hahaha!….. 
Lapis: haha! Mas kawawang ballpen, NAGTATAE! hahaha.
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Juan: tay, ano po ba ang ibig sabihin ng birdflu? kasi maraming nabibiktima ng birdflu.
Pedro: kya nga kita pinag aaral para matuto ka eh…
Pedro: ang birdflu ay past tense ng birdfly….
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Teacher: juan, magbigay ng pangungusap na may tayutay…
Pedro: Ahem. ” ang tatay ay nadapa.. Tayo tay!! tayo tay!!!”:)
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Teacher: okay class review muna tayo sa past lesson natin.
tanong,sino si jose rizal?
Pedro: ???
Teacher: again sino c JOSE RIZAL?
Sisa: ma’am di po namin yun kilala!
Juan:ma’am classm8 po ba namin xa?
Pedro: bobo, baka sa kabilang section yun!
Teacher: badtrip!sige change the topic!
Tanong sino pumatay kay Magellan?
Juan: ma’am di po kami sure kung si lapu lapu nga!
teacher: o bakit naman?
Juan: kasi sabi po ng tatay ko masama daw po ang mambintang ng kapwa kung di mo nman daw nakita ang totoo!
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Si Dan, Ang TNT-ing Praning:
Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan: Naku! Hinahanap visa ko!
...
Nag-auto walang gas.
Gas boy: Pay first!
Dan: Papers daw!
Nagpunta sa booth para tumawag sa bahay.
Operator: Hello, AT&T may I help you?
Dan: Naku! Alam nyang nagti-TNT ako!
Pawisang lumabas.
Kano: Are you done?
Dan: Kilala nya ko!
Kano: Tourist?
Dan: Pati apelyido ko!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: Naku! Alam nya pati probinsya ko?! Wahahahaha!
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SEAMAN: Mag-apply sana kong seaman.
CAPTAIN: Marunong ka bang lumangoy? 

SEAMAN: Hindi eh.. 
CAPTAIN: Eh di ka pwede.. .. 

SEAMAN: Bakit? Yung piloto ba marunong lumipad? :)


TOMO!:)
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Lolo : Nung araw sa SM pag may P20 ako, 

pag uwi meron na akong polo, maong, t-shirt, Relo kwintas at alahas.
Apo : E ngayon Lolo? 
Lolo : Mahirap na apo, may cctv camera na eh! 

SHOPLIFTER PALA ANG LOLO! Wahaha!
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Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na! .. .. 

Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
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Pedro: 'tol Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Juan: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal. Nakasulat kasi sa karton "SUGAR FREE."

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Long Distance
A socialite and slang speaking nurse who works in America, wanted to make an overseas phone call, so she dialed the operator.

Nurse: "I would like to place an overseas call to the Philippines."
Operator: "OK, miss, what is your name?" 

Nurse: "Maria Quintero"
Operator: "Could you please spell your last name Maria?" 

Nurse: [trying to impress the operator with her command of english] "Ok, Quintero... Q as in Cuba...U as in Europe... I as in eyebrow... N as in pneumonia... T as in ptyalin... E as in India... R as in Argentina...O as in Australia.
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Pedro: Sir, kumusta po ang grades ko??
 Teacher: aba iha! Kasing ganda ng buhok mo.. 

Pedro: talaga po? Wow naman!.. 

Teacher: ou, parang bagong rebond.. BAGSAK NA BAGSAK!
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WIFE: bwisit! Bakla ka pala! Jan kana nga!
HUSBAND: luv, san ka pupunta?

WIFE: Maghahanap ng lalaki! 

HUSBAND: Dalawahin muh ah! TIG-ISA TAU! Wahahaha....
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”Dear Teh”
“Dear Teh” 

“Dear Teh” 

sabi ni Mommy Dionisia sa mga apo nya na naglalaro sa madume.. xD _________________________________________________

Sa isang museum….
Tourist: Ito ba ang tinatawag nyong “art”..? Ang pangit nakakasuka! Painting ba 2?!

Tourist Guide : Hindi poh Sir, Salamin yan.
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Tukmol:GIRL PUNTA TAYO SA MADILIM NA LUGAR NG PARKE…….

Bebang:Tara!!!
Si Tukmol NAGHUBAD NG PANTALON
Bebang: Maghubad na rin ba ako!!!!!?
Tukmol:Bakit TATAE KA RIN BA?

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Teacher: class, ano ang kaibigan para sa inyo?
Dagul: sabihan ng secrets, ma'am!
Bebang: kasama in gud times and in bad times!
Teacher: tama lahat ang mga sinabi niyo. oh, Mando, ano ang kaibigan para sa iyo?
Mando: KAIBIGAN??
yang ang pinaka-nakakainsultong salita na itinawag sa akin ng mahal ko.

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“Bardagol: bakit may tali ka sa paa?
Mael: gusto ko nang mamatay!! Magbibigti ako!
Bardagol: bat sa paa? Dapat sa leeg!
Mael:sinusubukan ko na sa leeg kanina, kaso hindi ako makahinga eh..

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Si teacher & Popoy)
Teacher : Popoy panu mu nagawa na ma perfect ang exam mo ha ??
Popoy : biLib kna nman skin ma'am?? Mata ko pa lng gnamit ko jan ha ? panu pa kaya kng pati Utak ko na .. hahaha .. 

kapal ng mukha ni Popoy .. :D

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Nanay: Pedro, anak tawagan mo nga ang tatay moh eto ang cellphone gamitin mo..
Pedro: nay, babae po yung sumagot!
Nanay: sinasabi ko n nga ba may babae yang tatay nyo, anung sabi daw?
Pedro: You have zero peso balance on your account,,,,di ko na po tinapos mukha kasing matapobre eh.....

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Lalake: kailan mo ba ako sasagutin, ang tagal ko na nanliligaw sayo ah
Babae: sorry ha hindi naman ako maganda,hanap ka na lang ng mas maganda sa kin,sorry talaga ha!
Lalake: kung ikaw ngang panget di ko napasagot yung maganda pa kaya....!

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Tukmol: Pareng Nognog anu ba ang pinapangarap moh?
Nognog: to have someone special na makakahalikan ko sa ulan,.
Nognog: ikaw pareng Tukmol anong pinapangarap mo?
Tukmol: to be that someone special na pinapangarap moh.!
Wahahaha....

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ATTY: Duday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nang rape sa ‘yo?
Duday: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal…
SUSPEK: Sige!…mang-asar ka pa!!!!
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There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Eventually, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
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Sisa: Ganda ng rolex mo bunso, ah..
Pedro: Napanalunan ko po sa karera ate..
Sisa: Talaga? Ilan kayong tumakbo?
Pedro: Tatlo lang po. Yung pulis, yung may-ari at ako po..

Isnatser pala ang walanghiya...:)

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Lolo and apo naglalakad sa sea shore:
Apo: Look at those boats lolo.
Lolo: Yes apo, those are called yachts.
Apo: lolo , How do you spell yachts ?
Lolo: oh!! You're right apo, those are boats.
HAHAHA! :P

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‎Pedro: Tol, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Juan: Baligtad yata?
Pedro: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, tol!

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Job Interview
Boss: Why we need to hire you? 

John: Kasi po mas bago palang po ako kaya wala pa po akong sungay 

Boss: English please 

John: Ah…Uhmm well you see im brand new so im not yet HORNY ::D

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Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?

 Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam! 

Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog. 

Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

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LOLO: Apo, Apo, magtago ka dali, nanjan teacher mo. Absent ka pa naman sa klase mo. APO: Naku magtago din po kayo Lolo. Kasi sabi ko namatay ka kaya absent ako!

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Nung teen ager pa ako, pag may pinupuntahan akong kasalan, lagi akong tinutukso ng mga kamag-anak ko ng, “Uuuuyyyyy….susunod na sya…..”. 

Naiinis ako kasi bata pa ako kaya nung minsang magkita-kita uli kami sa isang burol ng kamag-anak namin, sila naman ang pingasabihan ko ng, 

“Uuuuyyyy….susunod na sila……….”.

Bakit hindi sila natawa? Hahaha..

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Graduation Speech:

Tonight i am graduation, i invitation you all to eat our house because i know someday i will eat your house too. i will die five chickens, three girls and two boys to eat you all and i will ask my father to cook my mother..

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Anak : Ma, Mahirap po bang MABUNTIS ?
Mama : Oo ! Lalo na sa isang BAKLA katulad mo ! 

Manahimik ka nga JUNIOR !